Monday, July 13, 2015


Aside from the somewhat freakish lightsabers, there were many other troubling aspects to the design of the original Kenner line of Star Wars action figures.  First being the articulation.  As I mentioned in PART I, a popular line of action figures existing in the USA before the release of Star Wars, were the Micronauts, also known as Microman in Japan. Microman was the very first 3 3/4" scale action figure.  Microman and likewise the Micronauts, had over a dozen points of articulation, making them super poseable and a lot of fun to play with.  Kenner's Star Wars action figures only had five or less points of articulation...

So if you were a kid back in the late 70's or early 80's and wanted some sci-fi themed toys to play with, which one would have seemed like the most fun?  Of course many kids that had already discovered the Micronauts toys before Star Wars was released probably thought that the Star Wars action figures were mostly rubbish. Unless of course they had become die-hard Star Wars fans after seeing the films, allowing their collection of Micronauts figures to hang out and have make believe adventures with some inarticulate Jedi loving pals...

"Shhh, be quiet... our love is forbidden by the Empire!"
...but who really wants to go on an adventure with a bunch of awkward looking guys that can't even bend their knees.  Jedi or not.  

Take the rigamortis stricken Biker Scout Trooper for example.  He looks like a mentally challenged man sliding down a playground slide...

His legs are completely joint-less, so his feet go nowhere near the speeder bikes pedals, which are supposed to control the steering flaps.  The two kids in this commercial try their damndest to make it seem like there is nothing wrong with this toy... and I'm fairly sure that the white kid is on some sort of drugs, just look at his face.

Also, Han Solo never rode on a speeder bike you fucking moron.  If you are going to reenact a scene from Return of the Jedi, at least use the right goddamned figure. And why did the black kid have to be the bad guy?  Racist. 

Now check out a commercial for the exact same toy, but from the European distributor of vintage Star Wars figures, Palitoy.  They knew exactly how to sell a shitty action figure...

Don't you want one now?!  The speeder bikes themselves are actually damned cool, like most of the Star Wars vehicles, Kenner got that part right.  Later on in the mid 90's, a new line of Star Wars action figures released a somewhat better Biker Scout, with speeder bike, that had the ability to bend his knees... but for some reason decided to keep his arms perpetually bent like he was taking a shit.

Oh well, better than nothing I suppose...

To be continued. . .  again. . .


  1. Hey man, us Star Wars figures gotta have a shit too! And you’re missing the point because if Han HAD had a speeder bike race, it would have been ten times cooler than Luke and Leia’s shitty effort and that was what the toys were all about – not recreating the movies, but going one better! In my house anyway (sucks thumb).

    1. Lol, you're right about Han probably being way better at the speeder bike... still, recreating the scene from the movie, like the Palitoy commercial was a better way to go. I am still trying to figure out how they filmed that shit... those kids' holding the speeder bikes are either ghosts or know some form of magic... haha (although i'm sure they were just on some sort of giant turntable with chair and table legs propped up around them... looks damned cool, but impossible to recreate as an actual kid playing in the kitchen.